Google Fail

Periodically, Google takes part in a collection of art from children of all ages and grades, and sticks them together for us to vote on which one should be the next homepage graphic. This is nice in a
winner/loser kind of way and I'd like to share with you my take on some of these drawings done by children.
I must warn you, if you haven't read my blog or spent a great deal of time with me, you may not realize that I'm a little bit of a dickhead. The drawing and, well, drawling can be cute at times if you have that "bless their little heart" mentality, which thanks to several genetic abnormalities/advantages/or-what-have-you, I was born without.

Anyway, on with it...

The theme here is "If I could do anything, I would..." Then the child starts rambling about what he or she would do if they could do anything, which is totally ridiculous, because lets face it, children can't do anything. Nobody can do anything.

Here's a submission from little Vicky, age 6 from Oregon.

Vicky writes: "No Pollution! The coral reef is dying! Small fish live in the coral reef. If the coral reef dies, the small fish will have nothing to eat. If the small fish dies, the big fish will have nothing to eat. Then the bigger fish will have nothing to eat. SAVE THE CORAL"

Joels verdict: Solid C-. Vicky, You're correct. The coral reef is dying, and your little circle of life analogy is very poetic, But there is more than one coral reef and the rest of us that do not live in bleeding heart Oregon, would still like to purchase dried coral and other reef inhabitants to decorate our bathrooms. Nothing says cozy #2 like a baked starfish and coral soap dish. I also can't help but notice the spot of copyright infringement we have with little Nemo.

We then have Craig, age 7 from Vegas:

"If I could do anything, I would..." give everyone in the world a super fast computer and Internet. People could become friends. They could help each other. They could find the answers to problems together. They could have fun together. People will not go to war because they are friends.

Joel: This simply will not work. People are not friends, Craig. People only stand each other at different levels. These levels change based on how much money the other has, or depending on how many fingers you can get in the others girlfriend. You should also know that if everyone had super-fast computers, no-one would. This is philosophy at the basic level Craig. There will always be the need to one-up the other guy, which in fact, leads to war. You're heart is in the right place, and you do live in Vegas where prostitution is legal so I'll go with a C+.

Next, Isabella, age 9 from Tennessee.

She writes:

I Am The Best Teacher

If I was a teacher I would teach the whole world. I want to show math, science, reading, handwriting and a lot more. I want everyone to say I am the best teacher. I won't be strict. I will be nice and I won't make them do so much homework.

Joel: First, let's talk about sentence structure, Isabella. "If I could do anything, I would... I Am The Best Teacher"? No. Just NO. Now lets move on to physics. First, your crayons are not only suspended in a sort of cosmic state, one of them is broken. Next, light particles (photons) do not bend in this way unless that clock happens to be a super-massive black hole, disguised as a clock. Your apple has a reflection that is hanging off of your desk which, I should add is completely impractical, and you should know that somewhere in Oregon, there is a 6 year old that just owned your artistic ability. If you want to be the "Best Teacher", you have your work cut out for you. F.

Olivia, 11 from Fort Wayne, Indiana:

"If I could do anything, I would..." ... splatter the whole world in bright colors.

Joel: What? F.





Cynthia, 11 from Jersey:

"If I could do anything, I would..." create a bridge of harmony between mankind and nature. Better life relies on the co-existence between man and wildlife, so I would make an ideal world for them by filling the world with hope for a better tomorrow.

Joel: I can't decide what you've been doing more, smoking weed, or listening to We Are The World remixes. Maybe both.
F. Drugs are bad, mm-kay? You're 11. Slow down, Drew Barrymore.

Bryan, age 11, Washington:

"Because of the recent earthquake tragedies in Haiti and Chile. I think it is important to build a city that earthquakes cannot damage or destroy. The high rise buildings should be strong enough to withstand any earthquakes, so that people can be safe and will not be threatened. "

Joel: Which ultimately leads to overpopulation, pollution, famine, poor education, a downfall in global economics, civil disobedience, plague, and the increased chance that someone will fly planes into your "safe" high-rise buildings. This is just poorly thought out, not to mention incomplete. Your buildings have some kind of white void in the middle of them. F. Learn to finish things you start. It'll give you a sense of closure which is very important in life.

Rafael, 17 from Jersey:

"If I could do anything, I would..." find a way to improve education for underprivileged students in cities, towns and neighborhoods that are suffering from poverty. Consequently, that generation of young men and women could become the leaders and role models for the next generation.

Joel: Good art Rafael, too bad you don't know shit about sociology. You find thousands of tenured faculty willing to get paid peanuts and dodge bullets to weed out 1 or 2 role models from a sea of asshole teenagers who's drug laden parents have passed down a legacy of crime and addiction to them and their half-dozen miscreant siblings. Stick to drawing. B (for the art) F for the commentary. And what's simple addition and complex theory doing on the same blackboard? You have to crawl before you can walk. Perhaps you should get together with little Isabella and talk a bit about Einstein's Theory of Relativity.

Elizabeth, 18, from Connecticut.

"I would travel on a robot around the world. Everyone desires to see this vast world, but only a handful of people can fulfill their aspiration with today's limited technology. In the future maybe everyone can have their own transportation to travel the world. With technology, the possibilities are endless"

Joel: Yes, you read that right. This girl is 18. She's 18 and she desires to travel on a ROBOT around the world. ... F out of principle.

Alex, 17, from West Virginia:

"If I could do anything, I would..." go to Japan. I would love to go to Japan because I want to see and explore its architecture, like Tokyo Tower. I also want to master the style of art, both traditional and digital. I also would love to eat the food.

Joel: Fuckin' A, Alex. A totally rational aspiration. This is a 17 year old kid who wants to be doing EXACTLY what 17 year old boys should be doing. Flying to Japan (or any other country of choice), eating their food (women), and exploring their architecture (women). A+. I know whats in your heart, buddy. Good for you.