Ode To My Day

It was extremely foggy this morning. I'm not sure what time I actually got out of the house and grumbled into the car to go to work, but I do remember driving in the very thick fog. My brain is funny. When I get up in the morning, it doesn't work. At all. The lights are on but nobody's... no scratch that. The lights aren't even on. Thinking back on my glorious incoherent dance around the house, best compared to a 7' tall toddler with acute short term memory loss and cerebral palsy, here's the checklist for getting to work:

6:20 am: Wake up
6:30 am: Wake up again, go to the bathroom, stub toe on door.
6:35 am: Brush teeth for what seems like 10 seconds but is really more like 16 minutes, somehow it took 5 whole minutes to pee.
6:51 am: Collect work paraphernalia (wallet, phone, badge, keys). Walk down hallway, stiff shoulder a wall like I'm picking a fight with a prison inmate. Yell at wall for being there.
6:53am: Oh yeah, must get dressed first.
7:02 am: Dressed now. I think I'll have a glass of milk. WtF happened to the time? I gotta go.
7:03 am: Start car, realize I forgot all my work shit. Run back to house. Door's locked, run back to car. Stop engine, run back to house.
7:05 am: Grab wallet and phone, run back to car. Trip over stupid orange cat.
7:06 am: Turn around, yell "Booga Booga" at all the cats staring at me. Watch them scatter like cockroaches. Laugh.
7:07 am: Get back in car, pull out of driveway.
7:09 am: Shit. Forgot badge. Go back home.
7:11 am: Get back home. Go to front door. Doors locked, go back to car. Remove key ring from car key in ignition, go back to front door.
7:13 am: Can't find badge anywhere. Son of a bitch, I put it right there when I woke up. Or did I?
7:15 am: Find badge in pocket of coat I was already wearing. Run back to car. Run back to door and lock it. Go to Work.

This morning, the wife woke me up and got me on my way. This means more or less, she aimed me in the direction I needed to be walking to get ready for work and just gave me a little shove. I wanted to give her a kiss when I left but it seems that every time I move in to kiss, I have to watch out for some new body modification object. The latest one is new ear piercings. Actually old piercings, but she is gauging them to fit new earrings. This is where I get confused. Um, just pick other earrings? The game plan this morning was to grab her by the head (lovingly, and in no way hoping to cause blunt force trauma) and give a big smooch. I executed step one and much like Jesse from Full House, she cried "Shit, watch the ears!"
She recently got her (I don't know what its called so I'll be as anatomically descriptive as possible here) little-nubbin-by-her-ear-hole-thingy pierced. That was apparently painful as well and I have been unable to get close to her ears as they have been sensitive. Now the gauging thing. She also has her nose pierced which prevents me from putting things up there while she's sleeping, her lip pierced, so I cant put stuff in there when she's sleeping, and her yoohoo pierced which prevents me from putting things in there ever. She has tattoos on her foot, ankle, butt, back, and stomach. I must say, for a while it looked very cute and very settle, but it's going a little far.
This is my wife a year ago. Very cute and pleasant to the eyes:

I think this is what she hopes to look like when she's done with herself:

Hypocrisy is never as much fun as it is around Christmas

It's Dec 22nd! Today has great meaning to people who think they have all the answers. Today, the sun has reached it's lowest point in the sky. During the next three days, after sundown and in the same direction, the Southern Cross (Crux) constellation will be visible for those living under lat. 30 degrees in the N. Hemisphere. (Strangely, the same latitude of Palestine and the birthplace for most monotheistic religions...Hmm. Crazy circumstances!). The sun will continue to stay in it's same spot in the sky, very low, and very scarce for three days (Exactly the same number of days Jesus was dead. Weird.), and on December 24th. right before the sunrise, Sirius (The brightest star in the eastern sky or sometimes referred to as "The Christmas Star") will align with the three stars in Orion's Belt (Also known as "The Three Kings". Somebody needs to shut down the plagiarizing ancient astronomers...oh wait.) and point to the place of the sunrise on Dec. 25th! Isn't this exciting? Three days of blatant and obvious, in your face, "you're stupid" hints coming from the earth and universe to everyone with two eyes, and a fully functional brain. I love this time of year.

Anyway, enough of the astronomy lesson. This year, my work has put together a Christmas potluck for us. We're going to feast tomorrow on all the essential and traditional Central California Christmas food items like:

Carnitas
Carne Asada
Papousas
Chili Verde
Spanish Rice
Re-fried Beans
Top it all off with a shit-load of cheese, and Tapatio sauce and then, Mantecadas for dessert!

Christmas in Visalia is great. If anyone has any last minute gift ideas for me, Costco has a special on a 64 pack of toilet paper. Just make sure it's double ply. I'll be spending Christmas Eve on the can. This year, I might install myself some handles on the side to keep from rocketing off the toilet seat.

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, except for that mouse,
For he slept in the bathroom, between the U-bend and the floor
And little did the mouse know what could be in store,
For I in my Pj's had woken with a start,
The Pepto had not worked and I let loose a fart,
A fart that awoke the whole house with a poof!
Scared the crap out of the reindeer and Santa fell off the roof!
I ran to the bathroom with my butt-cheeks clinched hard,
Blew up the toilet and the mouse ran away charred
I had singed the hair off every hair follicle in sight,
Even Santa's beard would no longer be white.
With an uncomfortable walk, I went back to bed,
With visions of the friggin potluck, still in my head.
"No potluck next year, are you listening God?"
I guess not, no matter, Feliz Navidad!